"So who's being made redundant again?" the boss asks, breaking the silence of the questions section of my presentation.

The room is silent while the boss and the rest of senior IT management await the answer to this weighty question.

"No one is being made redundant," I fume. "I'm talking about equipment here, routers and switches. I want to replace one router with two switches, which will give us redundancy at head office in that if one switch fails, the other one can take up the core functionality."

"Two switches, doing the same thing," the boss said.

"The same core tasks, yes."

"Like two light switches at either end of a hallway?"

"Sort of like that, yes."

"So if one's up, the other one has to be down for the light to go?"

Sigh.

Later, in Mission Control, I explain the rules of 'Management Stack Theory' to the PFY because he has no idea why the meeting deteriorated so quickly.

"Managers are stack-based," I explain. "Rule one is that they have, at most, a two-item stack limit. Mention a technical term and they'll push it onto their mental stack. Mention another, they push that up there as well. Mention yet another and they stack overload and reboot. That is, they think about what they're going to do after work, how sore their bum is, whether the marketing assistant knows her blouse is almost see-through, and so forth."

"But then they'd be rebooting all the time," the PFY says.

"Afraid not. Rule one, subsection B, deals with Stack Leakage. Technical terms leak from the stack at about one per sentence."

"Oh."

"Rule two of Management Stack Theory is that the frame size on their mental stack is pitifully small ‚ terms are compressed to fit into the available frame. I mention 'Disk seek latency', they hear 'Disky Latex', 'Seek Latex', 'Disk Lazy', or something similar."

"So they didn't get much out of your presentation, is what you're saying? But they can't be that stupid," the PFY comments.

Oh, such innocence...

"Which brings me to rule three of Manager Stack Theory," I cry. "After a manager reboots, Volatile Memory is not zeroed, meaning that the contents are indeterminant. What the manager is left with is a jumble of terms, which, after Manager Internal Logic has finished with it, might become: 'Seek a see-through Latex Blouse'."

"Ah," the PFY doesn't quite believe me.

I can see that some form of proof is required...

"Right, you apply my rules to the following sentences. Use the whiteboard as your Manager Stack."

"OK," the PFY accepts the challenge.

"I think we need some redundant switches."

The PFY dutifully writes redundant switches on the board.

"You forgot rule two," I point out.

The PFY amends it to randy swatches.

"Which we could dynamically route to..."

‚ dynamo root.

"Which would allow us to multi-home..."

‚ My bum hurts, writes the PFY, erasing everything before it.

"Correct," I comment. "And what's left in memory after booting?"

"I need a new swatch for the randy man with the root password."

"Sounds reasonable to me."

"And a load of bollocks to me!" the PFY splutters, only to be interrupted midflow by the boss poking his head around the door.

"Yours too?" he asks, noticing the PFY's whiteboard scribbles. "Mine was aching all through that last meeting. Now, which one of you needed the new watch for rooting?"

Vindicated, I smile at the PFY.

"That'll be me," I say, grabbing hold of the tasteful new wrist accessory.

"What was it for again?"

"Oh, I'll be using it to benchmark the L2 cache performance of the new symmetric multiprocessor machines."

*REBOOT*

If the boss had a console screen option, I'd be watching a memory test at this point...

"I'm sorry, what was that again?" he asks.

"I just said I'll be needing a Dual-ported PC to run my Lempel Ziv compression ‚ apparently it's a new algorithm."

*REBOOT*

"Cyclic redundancy checking! Electrically erasable EPROM! File read lookahead!" I blurt it all out, before the boss has gathered his wits about him.

The boss has a faraway look in his eyes.

"What happened?" the PFY asks, waving his hand in front of the boss's face.

"I've heard of this. I think he's stuck in reboot mode. He needs a manual reset."

"How the hell do you do that?" The PFY is worried.

"Uh... The male non-maskable interrupt..."

"I couldn't!" The PFY cries.

"It's that or have him stand in front of your desk all day..."

Reluctantly, the PFY kicks the boss in the crotch, and he goes down.

"What happened?" he cries, getting painfully to his feet.

"You just fainted and fell on to the corner of the desk. And you missed the end of my idea about Level 5 RAIDing all our legacy data as a data warehouse repository for the canned queries in the database front-end."

Blankness...

"I think he needs rebooting again." And I take a couple of steps back for the run-up...

Setting it up for the kill.....

So my friends, I'm just about done with the pre-installation procedures. The only thing that is stopping me right now is the availability of a Linux Distro CD. I tried my best to download misc ISO images and/or direct files from misc distros yesterday, but WS_FTP seemed to have a slight allergic rash when connected up to the Suse and Slackware servers. Ah yes. I'll probably dosh out for a hard copy with manuals and all.... They give students discount, you know?

Let us take a look at the different distrobutions I picked out as candidates. There's a lot more distros than the ones listed here, but these are the biggest and the best. Check out DistroWatch for a full comparison between all the others.

Current version: 8.1
Origin; Paris, France
Available languages: French, English, German, Italian, Spanish
Platforms: i386, Alpha, SPARC, PowerPC
Desc: Mandrake has built up a name as being the most user-friendly installation of all. The strong points is the fixation on the graphical interface, the lows are proprietary solutions which can lead to unstable behaviour. The foremost choice for the flat-out Linux newbie.

Current Version: 7.3
Origin: Nürnberg,Germany
Languages: German, English
Platforms: i386, PowerPC, Alpha, SPARC, S/390
Desc: SUSE is the market leader in Europe, and slowly gaining more followers in the US aswell. It offers its own installation program (yast), which makes installation a snap (when it works....). Like most other german products, its selling points are stability and performance, rather than flashy shiny trinkets. Now, I'm a big advocate of efficiency over good looks in terms of programming, so SUSE will be the distrobution I'll be using when I'm walking you through the migration project. As a sidenote, if you were to pick up a shrinkwrapped SUSE distro, you'd find it to be quite heavy. That is because it comes with 7+1 or 4 cds, depending on which version you find. None of the other packages comes close to that setup.

Current Version: 2.1
Origin: Hammond, Indiana
Available languages: French, English
Platforms: i386, m68k, SPARC, Alpha, PowerPC, ARM
Desc: Completely based on volunteer work from people around the globe, Debian is a community project. Very innovative and stable, but is not to be recommended to newbies. You'd better have some basic skills of computer comprehension before installing Debian. Once installed, Debian should be the non plus ultra in terms of stability, if not speed. It should be pointed out here that most Linux distrobutions are based on the Red Hat coding, the other alternatives scarce enough to be counted on one hand. Of those, Debian is the first and foremost, and forms the counterpart to Red Hat in many ways.

Current Version: 8.0
Origin: Moorehead, Minnesota
Available languages: English
Platforms: i386
Desc: Slackware is reknown for two things: Speed and Stability. It is also infamous for it's RTFM approach to new users. Slackware is the Linux for the hard coders, but just about the worst choice possible for anyone else. If you want Slackware, you have to be prepared to get your hands dirty. Once having done that, you can sit back and trade bogomip ratings with your comrade-at-arms. For me, Slackware narrowly missed out on being the preferred Sophism distrobution. Two things lead to me picking SUSE instead. 1) The download proved to be a formidable task. 2) A friend pointed out that it would be suicide to have a beginners workshop on Slackware. Hence, SUSE. The chances still exist that I'll do a special Slackware edition once I'm done with the migration project.

Current Version: 7.2
Origin: Durham, North Carolina
Available languages: French, English, German, Italian, Spanish
Platforms: i386, Alpha, SPARC
Disc: Red Hat is the Microsoft of Linux. Having successfully dominated the business segment of the market, it now offers its own RHCE line of computer certification. Stable until the cows comes home, but not exactly bleeding edge material. Market leaders in US, but largely overlooked in Europe. IBM deliver their new servers with Red Hat Linux installed by default. I have myself installed the recent 7.2 release on a DHCP network machine, which (after some initial installation snags) works wonderfully. This is the standard distrobution all others are measured up against. Red Hat will never disappoint you, but it will never surprise you either.

Most, if not all of these distrobutions, share the same problem, common to Linux users everywhere. Linux is not your most user-friendly system. It can be downright challenging in places. The crucial point of any Linux software is the installation. Once that is done, you will probably never have problems with it again. It will run and run and run.... even outpacing the most stayfast duracell bunny. Linux is designed to be functional, not user-friendly. As such, it is not really made with leisure activities such as gaming in mind. If you're a gamer, stay with Windows. If you work with your machine, be that with spreadsheets or word processing, you should give honest thought of swapping the Blue Screen of Death with a rugged, albeit less user-friendly alternative.

It's the migration process that scares users. It really takes time to get into the Linux groove. But once you're there..... I guarantee you, you're never coming back. For the few programs that are only available in Win format, there are an ever-increasing number of emulators available. For me, Win XP and it's whole new licensing policy was the ultimate straw. The anger of being treated as a slave outweighed by far the fright of stepping into the unknown. One week of trial and error, and I was back on top of my system.

I'm in Linuxland, having a great time. Wish all of you were here.

Love, Erlend.

1.- Bounce n' Shake Wacky Mike from movie Monsters Inc., by Disney's Pixar. Ages four and up.

Children violently interact to hurt, cause pain to lovable Mike character. Highly and sadly interactively violent. What were they thinking when they designed this toy?

2.- Electronic Stretch Screamers by Manley Toy Quest. Ages five and up.

How far can you stretch your monster? Listen to him scream. Puss comes out of the head when squeezed.

3.- Resident Evil: William Birkin and Sherry set, based on the Sony Playstation video game. Ages eight and up.

As Birkin continues to mutate he will seek out suitable subjects for implantation of his G-virus embryo. He is drawn to his daughter Sherry, whose compatible genetic code makes her the perfect specimen. . . .
The list researchers say this toy borders on promoting incest.

4.- Finishing Moves, World Wrestling Federation action figures by Jakks Pacific. Lita versus Bubba Ray Dudley. Parental guidance suggested.

Male figure has tongue hanging out, with his head between female action figure's legs. Sexually suggestive.

5.- Fisher Price Mummy King Play Set by Mattel Toys. Ages three and up.

Action figure's mask shoots off, fists shoot off. Frightening action figure for a toddler.

6.- Max Steel N-Tek Adventure Pack: Explosives by Mattel Toys. Ages four and up.

Realistic set demonstrates explosives as an innocent, fun plaything.

7.- Monsters Inc. Splatter Dome by Disney's Pixar and Hasbro. Ages five and up.

Make and destroy gooey creations, including a teddy bear. Children are able to act out their anger and frustration destructively in guise of fun, with no consequences.

8.- Lord of the Rings Orc Overseer by Toy Biz. Ages five and up.

Orc Overseer can whip newborn Urak Hai as he rises out of his birthing sac. Toy depicts sado-masochism, encouraging child to whip deformed newborn being.

9.- Oh Deer - The Super Dooper Reindeer Pooper by Midlon Foods Inc. Ages three and up.

Jelly bean toy inappropriate for sale in children's toy store. . . .
Insensitive and offensive to Christians celebrating Christmas. Offensive to secular holiday season.

10.- Stan Winston Creatures by Stan Winston Creatures. How to make a monster; the visitor; Queen of the lair. Ages five and up.

Graphic depictions of gore, mutilation, pain, suffering, with highly questionable value as playthings for five-year-olds.

List compiled by Rev. Christopher Rose and others at Grace Episcopal Church. Available at www.gracehartford.org.

In light of the recent editing/rewriting discussion, I thought I'd outline an excerpt from a recommended novel of mine, namely Carl Hiaasen's "Tourist Season".

---

It had arrived as a lovely little piece, one of Wiley's traditional holiday tearjerkers. It began like this:

Rollie Artis rowed out to sea last Thursday dawn.

You could watch him from Cable Beach, paddling out Nassau habor, his thick black arms flashing at the oars.

Rollie went to hunt for conchs, which was his livelihood, as it was his father's. And, as his father, Rollie Artis was a splendid diver with strong lungs and sharp eyes and an instinct for finding the shellfish beds.

But on Thursday, the winds were high and the water was ferocious, and the other conch divers had warned Rollie not to try it.

"But I got to," he had said. "If I don't go fishin', there be no Christmas for my babies this year."

At dusk Rollie's wife Clarisse waited on the dock behind the Straw Market; waited, as she always did, for the sight of the bright wooden skiff.

But Rollie Artis never returned. The next morning the seas calmed and the other fishermen searched for their friend. Not a trace was found. A few of the men were old enough to remember that the same thing had happened to Rollie's father, on another winter's day. An act of God, the old divers said; what else could explain such tragic irony?

Yesterday, at Rollie's house in Queen's Park, Clarisse put up a yule tree and sang to her two small children. Christmas carols. And the song of a fisherman.

Ricky Bloodworth took Wiley's column to his desk and slaughtered it. It took less than an hour. Cab Mulcahy was surprised at Bloodworth's aptitude for turgidity; it came naturally to the kid.

This, unedited, is what he brought back:

The Bahamas Coast Guard has some real explaining to do.

Nassau fisherman Rollie Artis disappeared from sight last Thursday and nobody except his fishing pals seems to give a hoot.

In our country, Artis would have been the object of a massive air-and-sea rescue effort. But in the Bahamas, nobody lifts the first helicopter. Is it money? Manpower? Equipment? Makes you wonder where all those tourist tax dollars are going -especially when you consider what they're gourging for a decent hotel room these days on Paradise Island.

It also makes you wonder about a supposedly modern government that fails to enfore basic safety regulations for boaters. If a law had forced Rollie Artis to carry life jackets, he might be alive today. And if his boat had been properly equipped withan outboard motor, he might have made it back to port.

He might have been home for Christmas.

Ever since its independence the Bahamas has been telling the world community what a prosperous advanced nation it has become. Well, it's time to start acting like one. It's time this little country, which so loves rich foreigners, took an equal interest in the fate of its own people -especially the poor and feckless.

Cab Mulcahy nearly gnawed through his upper lip as he read Ricky's rewrite.

"I thought Skip was being a little too sentimental, " Bloodworth explained. "I think he really missed the big picture."

"Yes," Mulcahy said pensively. "You've turned a sentimental anecdote about a missing fisherman into a blistering indictment of a friendly foreign government.

"Exactly," Bloodworth said proudly. "The column got some guts to it now."

"Guts."

"Cab, isn't that what you wanted?"

"Oh yes. This is perfect."

"You know," Bloodworth said, "normally I'd ask for a byline on the column, since I rewrote it and all. But under the circumstances, I think I'd like to leave my name off. Just keep it our secret."

"Smart move," Mulcahy said.

"Otherwise Skip might get the wrong idea."

"I understand."

"Because if he gets upset-"

"I told you, I'll handle it. Don't worry."

"Thanks, Cab."

After Yasmine Bleeth was formally charged November 16 with cocaine possession, cops in Romulus, Michigan finally gave TSG their reports on the actress's bust, as well as her mug shot--and they don't paint a pretty picture. Bleeth, 33, and Paul Cerrito (who met in drug rehab) were arrested September 12, following a one-car accident (Bleeth piloted her rented Chrysler into a highway median). According to the first three-page report presented here, the actress told cops she was "under the influence of cocaine" and had stashed the drug in her Louis Vuitton purse. The second investigator's report details what police found in Bleeth's hotel suite when they executed a search warrant the following afternoon. The former "Baywatch" star has pleaded not guilty to the drug charges and is free on a $10,000 personal bond.

Bryan's Yasmine Bleeth's shrine - The Indispensable Yasmine Bleeth Site - Yasmine Bleeth - Askmen : Yasmine Bleeth - CelebrityPro: Yasmine Bleeth

Crsnic.net hasn't heard of microsoft.com

Whois Server Version 1.3

Domain names in the .com, .net, and .org  domains can now be registered with many different competing registrars.

Aborting search 50 records found .....
MICROSOFT.COM.Z---HELLO-FROM-SIBERIA---I.Z3S.COM
MICROSOFT.COM.WILL.NEVER.SATISFY.A.TRUE.TELNETJUNKIE.COM
MICROSOFT.COM.WILL.NEVER.RUN.PUREDATA.NET
MICROSOFT.COM.WILL.LIVE.FOREVER.BUT.LUNIX.SUCKS-BYBIRTH.ARTISTICCHEESE.COM
MICROSOFT.COM.WILL.ALWAYS.FEARPENGUINS.COM
MICROSOFT.COM.WHOIS.RESULTS.MAKE.A.GREAT.HUMOUR-LIST.COM
MICROSOFT.COM.WAS.HACKED.TODAY.BY.JAMESSMALL.COM
MICROSOFT.COM.TONY.HAS.SEXUAL.IN.ADEQUACY.ORG
MICROSOFT.COM.TOLD.ME.TO.KILL.UR.PC.LIVE-EVIL.COM
MICROSOFT.COM.TAKES.IT.IN.THE.BUTT.FROM.WHILE1.ORG
MICROSOFT.COM.SUKZ.ORG
MICROSOFT.COM.SHOULD.GIVE.UP.BECAUSE.LINUXISGOD.COM
MICROSOFT.COM.RUNSLINUX.NET
MICROSOFT.COM.PRODUCTS.WILL.NEVER.BE.SEEN.AT.MCNEIGHT.ORG
MICROSOFT.COM.OWNED.BY.MAT.HACKSWARE.COM
MICROSOFT.COM.NOTHING.HAPPENS.XYZZY.COM
MICROSOFT.COM.MUST.STOP.TAKEDRUGS.ORG
MICROSOFT.COM.MAKES.SHIT.ASS.SOFTWARE.T10.NET
MICROSOFT.COM.IS.THE.COMMERCIAL.ARM.OF.THE.WORLDGOV.ORG
MICROSOFT.COM.IS.SOON.GOING.TO.THE.DEATHCORPORATION.COM
MICROSOFT.COM.IS.SO.VERY.SKANKY.NET
MICROSOFT.COM.IS.SECRETLY.RUN.BY.ILLUMINATI.TERRORISTS.NET
MICROSOFT.COM.IS.NOTHING.COMPARED.TO.EVILGOAT.NET
MICROSOFT.COM.IS.NOTHING.BUT.A.MONSTER.ORG
MICROSOFT.COM.IS.NO.MATCH.FOR.THE.WANNABE.TERRORISTS.AT.JIMPHILLIPS.ORG
MICROSOFT.COM.IS.NO.MATCH.FOR.A.UNIXNINJA.COM
MICROSOFT.COM.IS.HOPELESSLY.INSECURE.ORG
MICROSOFT.COM.IS.GOD.BUT.LINUX.SUCKS-FOREVER.ARTISTICCHEESE.COM
MICROSOFT.COM.IS.AT.THE.MERCY.OF.DETRIMENT.ORG
MICROSOFT.COM.IS.A.STEAMING.HEAP.OF.FUCKING-BULLSHIT.NET
MICROSOFT.COM.HQ.SHOULD.HAVE.BEEN.MOVED.TO.BAGDAD.JUST.BEFORE.THE.GULFWAR.ORG
MICROSOFT.COM.HAS.NO.LINUXCLUE.COM
MICROSOFT.COM.HACKED.BY.HACKSWARE.COM
MICROSOFT.COM.GUTS.NL
MICROSOFT.COM.GIVES.A.MUCH.LONGER.WHOIS.RESULT.THAN.CORIN.NET
MICROSOFT.COM.FILLS.ME.WITH.BELLIGERENCE.NET
MICROSOFT.COM.EMPLOYEES.CANT.GET.SHAGZ.ORG
MICROSOFT.COM.DAN.HILLIER.OF.EXETER.UK.IS.A.DUMB.ASS.EVILJAM.COM
MICROSOFT.COM.CODERS.SHOULD.DUMP.WINDOWS.AND.CODE.FOR.THE.MORE.PRACTICALMAC.COM
MICROSOFT.COM.CANNOT.HACKUNIX.ORG
MICROSOFT.COM.AINT.WORTH.SHIT.KLUGE.ORG
MICROSOFT.COM

http://www.samspde.org/t/refer?a=http://www.internic.net
for detailed information.

Despite our best efforts, The PFY and I occasionally get asked back for a quick stand-in on the Helldesk. Today, it's because they're all taking the day off to tell each other how good they are at their jobs and have a group fondle under the guise of "trust exercises".

Normally I would have put up a bit of a protest at the reshuffle; however it's nearing contract renegotiation time and should a major outage occur, the crucial nature of our work would be reinforced. Still, that's a couple of hours away yet, if that cheap mechanical timer can be trusted...

Meantime the helpdesk crew all traipse out to some non-confrontational, spirilina-peddling, huggy-feely place in town..

Luckily, The PFY and I have a stable working relationship based on mutual trust and respect, backed up by the fear of high voltage...

What is Linux? Why should I use it?

Good questions. Let me try to answer those.

Linux is, like Windows in all it's different incarnations (95, 98, ME, 200 & XP), essentially what makes your expensive hardware something else than paperweights. A harddisk, monitor and keyboard is will do exactly nothing on their own, even if you have bought the latest and greatest 3d-shooter. You need an operative system to make it all work. That is a nice transition to the second question.

Why Linux? Why not stay with Windows?

• Stability. Unlike Windows, there will never be a blue screen of death. The structure of Linux is organised that way so that even an abnormal termination of a program (a crash in laymans terms) won't bring the system down. It's not unheard of to have systems going for months, even years without problems. When was the last time you left your windows running for a month or two?
• It's free. Yes, that's right. F-R-E-E. No need to pirate it, it's legal for you to download and make copies for your friends. Even 90% of the software is free. Instead of splashing out dough each time the Richmond boyz releases their biggest and best (as with XP right now), you can merely log onto the internet and download the latest kernel updates.
• Support. Windows XP is a heathen bitch that laughs in the face of unsupported hardware. Linux, on the other hand, is driven forth by the entire population of geeks and nerds on this planet. Instead of caring about simple things like personal hygiene and getting laid, they are making drivers and programs that you might have to use in the future. Jokes aside, a driver for Linux is a driver for Linux. No hassle about 2000 or 95/98 drivers anymore.
• Customisation. If you want to change something, you can. The source codes are there for you to see. If you want to hardcode semi-pornographic pics of Tera Patrick onto your desktop, you can, provided you have the required know-how. If not, go see the unified geeks and nerds (UGN for short) from the support question.

LONDON (Reuters) - The final unfinished novel by cult British author Douglas Adams is to be published next year on the anniversary of his death, his agent says.

"A Salmon of a Doubt," the final and sixth part of his classic "The "Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy," has been edited from files found on Adams's computer after he died suddenly in May, Ed Victor told the Sunday Telegraph.

"We have pored over Douglas's hard drive. There were so many different versions of the novel. He would take it and then revise it repeatedly so there were many files," said Victor.

"As soon as he wrote anything he would say, 'Oh God, that's terrible'. He was a very, very self-critical author," he added.

Adams died from a heart attack at his California home aged 49.

His "Hitch Hiker's Guide," about a group of galactic travelers who survive the demolition of Earth to build a space bypass, began life as a 1978 BBC Radio series.

It was turned into a best-selling novel, a TV series, record album, computer game and adapted for stage. It made Adams a household name on both sides of the Atlantic.

"A Salmon of a Doubt" will be published next May in a compendium of Adam's final works, including a film screenplay for the Hitch Hiker's Guide, Victor said.

I have something to confess to you all. A terrible secret that I've carried within me for all too long now. I always had this strange fright that some of you would recognise the fact that I'm not one of you, whether it would be from reading between the lines of what I've written, or simply by derivating it from what I've said in AIMS and chatrooms. I'm sorry, but sometimes I wonder if I'm carrying on like you lot just because I don't dare being different. It started as a fleeing idea at first, just a wish to see what my alternate options really were like. I mean, you've heard of it, and so have I, but it seems like a whole another community with new expressions and culture. Sometimes, I laid awake in my bed, wondering if I ever would have the guts to come clear with myself. Well, today is the day. I'll say it loud and I'll say it proud...

I'M MIGRATING TO LINUX!

Yes, that's right. I'm fed up with the second rate Richmondian Hitlers of this world. XP in this case stands for eXtremely Proprietary. I'm not bothering to upgrade to a system that wants to send my data to another continent each time I install something new. Likewise, with the passing of the new MDCA (Millennium Digital Commerce Act) bill, each and every piece of data that passes through Microsoft's passport network becomes THEIR property, not YOURS. Do I need to spell out the digital segregation here?

Anyway, I've been researching my options for quite a while now, carefully finding programs that could cover my needs. Some of the choices are obvious, like going for GIMP instead of Paint Shop Pro, others are more elusive, like KOffice instead of Microsoft Office. It'll be a long hard haul the first time, but I'm sure we'll make it. Yes, that's right. I said "we". If I'm doing this, I'm taking as many of you fuckers with me as I can. Follow me like Moses through the desert and I'll promise you that I'll teach you how to set up your own Linux machine in less than 40 years. Stay tuned for a series of articles on how to get a stable (and FREE!!!) Linux system up and running with a minimum of fuzz. Don't worry, I'm perfectly aware of the fact that most fanficcers have barely mastered the operation of a word-processor, never mind the whole spell-checking routine, so I'll walk you through it. It won't hurt, I promise. Would I lie to you?

Techies are out of work, but not out of laughs

"Unemployed Theo" Fanning eats pickles for lunch, searches his couch for change, sleeps a lot and gets drunk midday on cheap beer.

"Odd Todd" Rosenberg takes power naps that extend well into the afternoon, dines on Pringles and fudge-striped cookies and dreams of the day he'll be able to afford an ice cream cone.

In other words, the two laid-off techies do what a lot of people do when they lose their jobs. Except these two, who live at opposite ends of the country and don't know each other, have turned themselves into Web characters.

Answers that primary school kids gave to interviewers questioning them on their thoughts of marriage:

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
-Alan, age 10.

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."
-Freddie, age 6.

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."
-Derrick, age 8.

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want any more kids."
-Lori, age 8.

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Martin, age 10.

6. WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
-Craig, age 9.

7. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich."
-Pam, age 7.
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
-Curt, age 7.

8. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them."
-Anita, age 9.

9. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
-Kelvin, age 8.

10. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
-Ricky, age 10.

• Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
• On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.
• If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
• The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
• Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
• Prejudiced people are all alike.
• What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?
• Evil isn't all bad.
• I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
• Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness.
• There's no such thing as nonexistance.
• Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.
• As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.
• He doesn't have much of a reputation or so I've heard.
• I disagree with unanimity.
• I have my doubts about disbelief.
• Avoid alliteration...always.
• Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
• One should never generalize.
• Avoid cliches like the plague.
• Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
• Profanity sucks.
• I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.
• Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
• Death to all fanatics!
• An oral contract isn't worth the paper its written on.
• If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.
• I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
• I always wanted to be a procrastinator!
• Rehab is for quitters!
• The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.
• Don't be redundant by repeating yourself.
• Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?
• My identity lies in not knowing who I am.
• I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.
• I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
• Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
• Entropy just isn't what it used to be.
• I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it.
• There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can't.
• Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.
• Life is full of uncertainties...or I could be wrong about that?
• Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.
• Always remember you're unique...just like everyone else!