Being a magazine and everything we get a lot of big record companies sending us stuff and offering us all-expenses-paid trips to interview their bands. Unfortunately, they usually want editorial for something that is already too gigantic to say anything new about. When we were offered an all expenses paid trip to LA to interview The Strokes we were like, "It's a great album and a great band but what could we possibly say that hasn't been said before?" Then our resident clown Andrew Fenwick offered to go. Besides being a constant source of amusement to the staff here, Andrew is a fall-down dead, drool-in-your-soup alcoholic who can barely handle cashing his trust fund check, let alone tackle a story.
Twenty-four hours after he arrived we received a phone call from their publicity agent. They have his tape recorder and will FedEx it immediately but Andrew has disappeared after being asked to leave the venue for falling asleep on the stage. Here is the tape which, to his dismay, we transcribed without his help.
VICE: (Keep in mind Andrew is slurring his words like Foster
Brooks after a car accident.) Why do people hate on a band just
because if they're so popular? It's like "Oh that guy in the
band's uncle came in a girl's ass. They suck." Even if they
haven't heard the band. It's such bullshit.
Guitarist Albert Hammond Jr: That's good Andrew. That should go in
your article (laughs).
WHAT!? You heard me. The guy's nephew's friend came in a girl.
Yeah, it's like "yeah, I hate them too." Why do you have to
feel sorry if you like a song? GOD FORBID. It's like "I love the
shit out of this song. There must be a catch. I've been duped. I
shouldn't like this."
Singer Julian Casablancas: Yeah.
What's with Courtney Love saying you're in love with her?
Julian: What?
You raped her and she ended up crying and tried to kill herself.
No, I'm just kidding.
Albert: That should be your opening quote.
He raped her and she was doing heroin and he stopped her.
She burnt her eyeballs with matches and he tried to stop her in
tears. His dad worked at a match company and didn't want the
lawsuit. He was hysterical, totally hysterical.
Nick: What are you talking about, dude? Stop.
I have it written here: "Ask them about your diet."
I don't know what that means. I don't give a shit about our diet.
Nick: Ask us about your diet? What kind of a fucking question is that?
FINE! (The tape is stopped and it seems, judging by the increase
in slurring, a fair amount of time has passed since the previous
questions) WHAT?!
Authority figure: Please...
What did you just say to me?
Someone young: I said fuck you.
Uh, I hope you caught that tape recorder.
The side of my hair has been blown out. My left arm, it's a bit shaggy.
Guitarist Nick Valensi: OK, let's go. Let's get out of here, Andrew.
Get your hands off me! Tape recorder - getting this? People are
shaking me. AND I DON'T THINK IT'S WORKING!!!
Security guard: All right. Thank you. Let's go.
ANDREW FENWICK
Friday, December 21, 2001
A Las Vegas stripper accused of posting photos of herself having sadomasochistic sex with a married political cartoonist on the Internet after he ended their affair was ordered to stand trial on extortion and cyber-stalking charges.
Robin Kelly -- a self-described topless dancer named "Ruby Tuesday," hair-stylist and former professional wrestler known as "The Red Snapper" -- faces a possible eight years and four months in prison if convicted on eight criminal counts.
Ventura County Superior Court Judge Roland Purnell on Wednesday ordered Kelly to stand trial on charges of attempted extortion, stalking, witness intimidation, violating a restraining order and making harassing telephone calls.
Ventura County Deputy District Attorney Tom Temple said Kelly, 43, was the first defendant in the southern California community, which borders Los Angeles County, to stand trial on charges of stalking over the Internet.
"This is the first case of cyber-stalking that I'm aware of that's been prosecuted by this office," Temple said.
Prosecutors say that Kelly, a former dancer at Snookies topless club, had a seven year extra-marital affair with Jim Day, a political cartoonist for the Las Vegas Review Journal newspaper.
When Day broke off the affair, prosecutors charge, Kelly was unhappy and blamed him for the loss of her apartment.
Prosecutors allege that after Kelly moved to the Los Angeles suburb of Simi Valley earlier this year she set up a Web site called The Politics of Jim Day that featured the two of them engaged in sadomasochism and bondage as well as pictures of his house and car and directions to his home.
Kelly was arrested in November and the web site has since been dismantled by authorities.
Kelly also allegedly sent the material to Day's work and home, made physical threats against the cartoonist and tried to choke his wife, prosecutors charge.
Purnell ordered Kelly to stand trial after two police officers testified that her Web site and other activities "destroyed" Day's reputation and led to him being ostracized at work.
Temple said Kelly could also face charges from Las Vegas prosecutors.
® 2001 Reuters Ltd
December 12, 2001 -- Cops are investigating the claims of a Texas mom whose 14-year-old daughter allegedly went on a wild sex spree while in New York to tape a talk-show segment on out-of-control teens.
A police source told The Post last night that a lawyer for the mother said she's so enraged that her daughter lived up to the TV show's billing that she's considering a lawsuit against "Maury," the show hosted by Maury Povich.
The source said the girl and her mom were flown to New York last Thursday and got a room at the Pennsylvania Hotel for the taping of a segment to be titled "Uncontrollable Teens."
According to the police source, the girl was to appear with a 16-year-old from California.
Apparently true to her reputation, the youngster, at some point during her stay, dialed up a limousine service, then proceeded to party with the limo driver, having sex with him several times over a number of days, the source said.
The source also said police have already interviewed the 14-year-old, and want to speak with the 16-year-old.
Both the Texas mom and her naughty girl have remained in New York, the source said.
The source added that police believe they have enough information to warrant subpoenas from the Manhattan district attorney to look at hotel surveillance cameras and hotel records. So far, cops only have the limo driver's first name.
A Metro park ranger has a lot of explaining to do.
Late Monday night he shot and killed a man who tried to break into his car, but that's only the beginning.
Park ranger Anthony Griffin was supposed to be patrolling his area Monday night, but instead he was near Fisk University with a prostitute.
That's where the story begins. It was just before midnight, and Griffin was still technically on the clock, but instead of patrolling his area he was partially out of uniform and in his personal vehicle at the corner of 16th Avenue and Meharry Boulevard. That's where he dropped off the prostitute.
Police said as she left, Richard Michael Thompson, 32, tried to break into Griffin's car from the driver's side.
"Griffin said that as he was being pulled out of the vehicle, his 40-caliber semi-automatic pistol was in the door pocket and he was able to grab the pistol with his right hand and fire."
Griffin hit Thompson once in the chest.
Thompson died at Vanderbilt.
Griffin was placed on paid administrative leave while police investigate the shooting.
Police said Thompson had a long police record. He'd been arrested for reckless endangerment, theft, assault, criminal impersonation and evading arrest.
In the spirit of all things Turbonegro, here's a fine collection of some of the greatest links of all time :)
Modern Rock Lyrics: Turbonegro -Apocalypse Dudes
TurboJugend USA
Official Turbonegro.com Page
Metal Reviews: Deathpunk Forever
Turbo.Archive
Grunnen Rocks: Turbonegro
Beer City: Turbonegro -Ass Cobra LP
Review of Darkness is Forever
The FULL "Get It ON" Video
The Denim Demon Video
Courtesy of Bitzcore, the German Record Label Turbonegro signed under, here's a few MP3 samples.
From the Live Album Darkness Forever - Monkey On Your Back
From Ass Cobra -Black Rabbit
From Apocalypse Dudes - Selfdestructo Bust
From Never is Forever - Oslo Bloodbath Part 3 -The Ballade of Gerda & Tore
Shaking hands with Morrissey -
Sucking cock in East Africa - It's Deathtime!
Ask a lesbian for a fuck - It's Deathtime!
Take a shower in...Auschwitz - It's Deathtime!And it's gonna happen to you -
Complaining about a drug deal at Jolly's pub - It's Deathtime!
Driving really fast in a car - It's Deathtime!
Scuba diving in a hippies tub - It's Deathtime!
Take a shower in...Auschwitz - It's Deathtime!And it's gonna happen to you baby -
It could happen to your child -
You could have the same experience -
It's Deathtime!
Back from the Dead
Hank & Co are coming back: The underground legends Turbonegro will make a comeback during the next Summer's Quart Festival. The crew consists of Pål Pot Pamparius (Pål Bøttger Kjærnes), Rune Rebellion (Rune Grønn), Euroboy (Knut Schreiner), Happy-Tom (Thomas Seltzer) and Chris Summers (Christer Engen). Turbonegro, who according to experts have made the most important european rock album ever, is the first announced main attraction to Quart 2002. The Festival will take place from the 2nd to the 6th of July.
"During the Quart last year, three bands played Turbnoegro-cover songs, those being Queens Of The Stone Age, The Hives and Mayhem. Since then, the Quart management have been all over us. When the right amount of money finally hit the table, we let ourselves be talked into it. There's no other Norwegian rock bands that can deliever the merchandise, so It's up to us to give the crowd what they want," tells the founder of Turbonegro, Thomas "Happy-Tom" Seltzer.
Turbonegro called it quits after 10 dramatical years as the lead singer Hank's (really Hans Erik Dyvik Husby)heroin-related problems culiminated during an Europa-tour in december 1998. Since then, Hank has returned to a normal state of being through a relaxed living in Moskenes, Norland (E comm: At the ass of the world and then some. Imagine Alaska, only more northern.)
"The Comeback is probably not medically responsable in correlation to the health of Hank, but money cures everything," says Seltzer. The Quart concert could be the start of a complete reunion tour. "We've recieved fat offers from Germany, Italy and Sweden, " Seltzer reveals, who with a deep insight in the rock mythology provides the following statement before the comeback of the summer.
"Cigarette Smoking. Metadone. Bad Language. Sing-a-longs. Cash. Strong opinions. Put briefly: Turbonegro. Norway's greatest rock band ever."
Shit. Just found out TurboJugend USA had translated the piece already. Well, fuck it. Read the both. Read again.